Are you longing to be healed from the emotional wounds that hold you back from experiencing the peace of God in your life? Have you tried all you know how to do and nothing’s changed?
I’ve identified seven possible barriers that stand in the way of your healing.They’re so common and easily seen in the lives of others, but often can elude us because they are such a part of our makeup.
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In Part 1 of this post, we covered the first three barriers to emotional healing:
- We Take Comfort in It
- We Feel Helpless to Change It
- We Feel We Deserve It
In this post we’ll cover the next two barriers:
- We Won’t Let Go
- We Want Revenge
Next week we will finish the barriers by covering the following:
We Think It’s Our Identity
We Put Our Trust in Faulty Coping Mechanisms
We Won’t Let Go
A List of Offenses
Jim has a good memory. He can remember every time someone slighted him or did something against him that he felt was wrong. It seemed that everyone in the world was out to get him and he wouldn’t forget any of the things they did to him.
Jim’s favorite way to deal with the pain was to drink. The only thing is that it never helped him. He would just sit and stew. Thinking of all the things that people did to him and it made him mad.
After quite a few drinks Jim would begin to lash out at whoever was around him, most often his wife Leah. He would start listing all the things that she had done wrong from the time they met to the current. It’s like he had a list of offenses burned into to his mind.
After going through his list, one by one, he would beat her for what she did.
Do You Have a List?
It’s so clear, It’s so easy to see. Jim needs to let go. He needs to forgive Leah for the things she’s done. But stop! Look in your heart and see if there is anyone you need to forgive. What offenses and wounds are you carrying around with you today?
It’s so easy to see that Jim needs to forgive his wife, but when the shoe is on the other foot it becomes a different story. We know the pain, the disappointment, and the heartbreak of the things we’ve experienced.
We don’t want to forgive them. We don’t want to let go.
Maybe you’re thinking “I can't forgive them for what they’ve done to me. They’ve wounded me too deeply. When you use the word “can’t” it’s as if you’re saying, I am unable able to forgive. It’s beyond my capability.
In reality, you’re saying I won’t forgive. Forgiveness is a choice that has been graciously given to you by the Lord. You can forgive because God will give you strength to do so. What seems impossible to you, God can give you the strength to do.
I find it interesting that the key meaning of one of the Greek words for forgiveness is “to let go.” It can also convey the idea of “sending away.” I would like to give you a word picture that will help us understand how refusing to forgive actually perpetuates the pain and makes healing impossible.
A Picture of Unforgiveness
I believe unforgiveness is like a rope that is tied to the one who hurt you. You’re holding the other end of the rope tightly in your grip. You won’t let go. So everywhere you go, you drag the person along with you.
They slow you down. The weight of the one you're dragging wears you down emotionally. It’s too much to bear. Not only that, but the ropes chafe your hands. The pain never gets less with time.
Depending on how willing you're to forgive, you may have a multitude of people that you’re dragging along with you through life. Each person is at the end of a rope that you’re holding in your hand.
God offers you healing but you can’t receive it because your hands are full. God wants to touch your heart but is hindered by all the ropes you're carrying.
Drop the Rope
God’s answer is to drop the rope (forgive) and look to Him for healing.Forgiveness frees you from the person that hurt you. You’re no longer invisibly bound by the ropes of unforgiveness. You have “let go” and now you can be free.
Of course this is just a word picture attempting to describe what takes place in real life. But I’m sure you’ve experienced what I am saying when you chose to forgive someone in your life. The weight was gone. You could begin the process of healing.
We Want Revenge
I Want Them to Hurt Too
When someone hurts us many times the first thing that we think about is revenge. Because they hurt us they should be hurt.
The problem with most of our thoughts of revenge is that we want the person to pay much more than we experienced. We want to hurt them more than they hurt us. It’s like the story of Tamar in the Bible.
A Story of Revenge
David, the King of Israel, had many wives and many children by each. One of his children was a beautiful daughter called Tamar. She’s the sister of Absalom.
Amnon, David’s oldest son, saw his step-sister Tamar’s beauty and it drove him to the point of being ill. He wanted to have her in the worst way but didn’t see how it could happen since she was his sister.
A friend came up with a deceitful plan where Amnon pretended to be sick and asked that Tamar cook some food for him and take care of him. When she came to minister to him, Amnon asked Tamar to sleep with him
Tamar refused and begged her brother not to violate and disgrace her but to ask King David and he will give me to you. He refused and raped her. Once he violated her, she was repulsive in his sight and he cast her out of the house in disgrace.
Tamar Tore her clothes in grief and put ashes on her head. Absalom found her and asked her if Amnon had raped her. He told her to be silent about the matter and had her live with him in his house.
Absalom waited and planned his revenge for two full years. He was throwing a celebration of the completion of shearing his sheep and asked his father, the king, if all of his brothers could come and celebrate. Absalom arranged to have some of his men kill his brother at an assigned signal. They did and Absalom fled.
Are You Planning Revenge?
Maybe you aren’t planning to kill the one who hurt you, but in your heart, you're planning revenge. This can happen at differing levels.
Maybe your revenge is all in your head. You would never do something to get back at the person who hurt you, but in your mind you are. You’re seeing them get theirs.
Maybe you’re running a video in your mind where you stand up to them and say what you’ve always wanted to say. Maybe you turn the tables on them and do what they have been doing to you only worse.
I’ve heard the words, “I wish they were dead” come out of the mouths of many in ministry sessions. Where a person’s hurting so much they wish that the one who hurt were dead. This kind of bitterness is a slow-working poison to your soul. It will kill you emotionally and cause your poison to overflow into the lives of those around you.
Maybe you're going for more. you're planning to do something that will hurt them big time. They will pay for what they did to you and they will be sorry they ever did anything bad to you.
The problem with seeking revenge is that it makes us just like the one who hurt us.We’re taking things into our own hands and trying to bring justice, but in the end, it condemns us. We end up sinning against the Lord and causing more trouble in our lives as a result.
Sure it may feel temporarily good to do something terrible to the person who hurt you, but it will never satisfy. God is the one who asks you to trust Him to avenge you.
19 Never take your own revenge, beloved, but leave room for the wrath of God, for it is written, “Vengeance is Mine, I will repay,” says the Lord. 20 “But if your enemy is hungry, feed him, and if he is thirsty, give him a drink; for in so doing you will heap burning coals on his head.” 21 Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.(Romans 12:19-20)
Let God Avenge You
It’s very clear from scripture, that every single person ever born is going to stand before the judgment seat of Christ and give account for what they’ve done in their lives. That includes the person who hurt you.
God is a righteous judge and He will not let sin go unpunished. Although it may seem that the person who hurt you is getting away with what they’ve done to you, not so. God is keeping track and will hold them accountable.
That is one of the huge struggles we can have. It doesn’t seem like God is doing anything. It’s like He is silent and the person who hurt you is living a happy life while you’re miserable. But the Apostle Paul encourages us with these words:
7 Do not be deceived, God is not mocked; for whatever a man sows, this he will also reap. 8 For the one who sows to his own flesh will from the flesh reap corruption, but the one who sows to the Spirit will from the Spirit reap eternal life. 9 Let us not lose heart in doing good, for in due time we will reap if we do not grow weary. (Galatians 6:7-9)
Let God be your avenger. Let Him bring justice where justice is due. Of course that doesn’t mean that we can’t go to the police or others that are designed to help and protect us from things that are illegal. Even these are from the Lord.
3 For rulers are not a cause of fear for good behavior, but for evil. Do you want to have no fear of authority? Do what is good and you will have praise from the same; 4 for it is a minister of God to you for good. But if you do what is evil, be afraid; for it does not bear the sword for nothing; for it is a minister of God, an avenger who brings wrath on the one who practices evil. (Romans 13:3-4)
The only problem is that our court system sometimes doesn’t bring justice. There are corrupt judges and the one who did evil gets away scot free. We certainly cannot put our full hope of being avenged in the hands of legal officials, but we can trust the Lord.
Listen to what takes place at the end of time as we know it:
11 Then I saw a great white throne and Him who sat upon it, from whose presence earth and heaven fled away, and no place was found for them. 12 And I saw the dead, the great and the small, standing before the throne, and books were opened; and another book was opened, which is the book of life; and the dead were judged from the things which were written in the books, according to their deeds. (Revelation 20:11-12)
God will bring everyone to justice in His due time. We can count on that because He is faithful. When we chose to forgive someone and not seek revenge, we're actually putting our faith in God. we're trusting that He will take care of justice and revenge.
Trusting in the Lord means we're not just letting a person off the hook when we forgive them. Forgiveness is a conscious choice to trust God.
So, is there anyone you need to forgive and release unto the Lord?
We’ll see you next week as we finish off this series of posts.
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